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1: It's kind of funny how it's always parents first on all these lists, like someone who's never met you can tell you what your relationship with your parents, or family in general, should be. Funnier still because they're always written as  "Things to do" or "Things to know" like it is paramount to resolve things with people who in fact may be the reason you hate yourself...
2: Always something about relationships with others, too. Usually it's in the top 5. Like, "go out and make out with people you have just met" or "stay in contact with people from high school." More like, go fuck yourself.
3: Then, it's definitely (almost always) something you need to get rid of in your life. Here, let me try: "Minimize the number of these bullshit lists you take to heart." How's that?
4: Followed by career advice. You know, I've yet to meet any regular human being who got immediately into the job they wanted without first working in fast food or retail or other customer service industries. Stop acting like this is good advice. It's basically a requirement to having any kind of job you actually want. Also, beware: you are never, ever above basic service jobs. Never, ever act like it, or you will get nowhere.
5: This one varies, but it's usually travel advice or something about the time. You are usually warned of ways that you can use your time better. Take this with a grain of salt.
6: Shit about college is usually filed here. Sometimes it's useful, most of the time it is a load of crap. About how this that or the other thing is so important to your major, to explore shit, whatever. I recommend just getting through the basics, slaving away at figuring out what you want to do, and having fun doing whatever floats your boat in the meantime.
7: And then we have financial advice. To be fair, I'm shit at finances. But regardless, people are always thinking that by a certain age, you should know how to handle finances, or save money, or both. And lemme tell you, it's probably good to do your best in that capacity, but I have known plenty of people who don't really know how to handle their finances, and have been adults a very long while. It's not something you just "figure out" after a certain age, and there definitely aren't steps you must take by a certain age. Money matters differ based on just about every variable in our lives.
8: Go outside. Yeah. Leave the house. Totally. Because you never do that...Because I don't have nearly crippling anxiety about most situations these authors describe going into here...Nah.
9: Oh yeah, try forgetting sleep for a coupla days. Just to see what happens. That won't be damaging to your health, I promise.
10: Actually tell the truth to people, just to shake it up. Watch how quickly you lose friends! Isn't it amazing!
11: Here, with this number, there are always "lifestyle improvements." They usually start with something agreeable, and simple, that can be taken any way, and then offer advice or examples that leave me wondering why I ever listened to this person. Such as "learn to say no," which is wonderful advice. Until you add the 5 examples of things I might give up. All of which I like, even though I make a sport of bitching about them.
12: Go places, and be nostalgic and hipster while you're at it. Don't forget to complain about the way society is crumbling due to our dependence on technology and how much better you are than that, while Instagram-ing every trip and item you buy.
13: Hobby advice, because everyone needs a hobby. Probably the only advice I value on any of these lists.
14: Always the attempt at being philosophical. Such as "Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you."
15: Forget being you. Try out new things and create a whole different person. Enjoy that person to the point you forget it's a construct and then one day, you may too hope to have an existential crisis of mind-boggling proportions!
16: Usually something or other about changing how you experience something by getting over something else.
17: Clean up and throw things out as often as you can so that there's no clutter in your life, because clutter's totally unnecessary.
18: "Stop hating yourself" is usually the message here, if not the words, straight out. Because apparently it's just that easy...Who'd have guessed?
19: Go do the stuff you have been planning on doing. Forget that the reason you haven't done it might be important too (those finances they brought up earlier, maybe?), because you're reading this list that knows you so well.
20: "Health insurance. Benefits. Yeah. So awesome. Take advantage. Always." How about we try something more like "Hospitals suck, let's stay well as much as possible!"
21: Just to reiterate, be honest, because it's important.
22: Dating advice I totally needed apparently. Because finding someone interested in me that I am also interested in that is not a creep or something similar is the easiest thing in the world, after starting to like oneself...
23: Go somewhere because this list tells you why you need to travel.
24: Buy this electronic that will improve your quality of life by X percent.
25: Job advice again, especially stuff about quitting that job that was the only one you qualified for because you hate it, even though you still don't qualify for anything else yet. Just forget that management position that offers benefits and a bigger paycheck, as well as a more impressive resume, because this dumb job sucks. End these relationships because they suck. Cut ties with anything that sucks. Totally. Do it.
Also known as 25 Things I Needed to Know by a Certain Age Because Somebody Decided That They Were Necessary to Know.
26: And the funniest part is, the best advice from any of these lists of "great advice" that I ever received was one of the few lists that didn't start with a parent thing. It included a parent thing, but the parent thing wasn't first. The first thing was the best advice any of these lists ever gave me, and man did I ever take it to heart. It said, "Always carry $5 and a lighter. You never know when they could come in handy." And man, that was cool, because for once, it wasn't something I'd ever thought of before or tried or done. It was brand new.
Now, I always carry a lighter, 5 dollars, and annoyance that so many lists full of advice exist.

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November 11, 2014
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